Last post
Last post for this blog, I am officially out of love...
My chapter with pp has come to an end. We had a nice long talk and thats it. I am for the very first time given up totally on everything. No more stupid wished n daydreaming. I am sad of course, in fact all 3 yrs of sadness welled up in me i let it all out. but i guess she couldn't understand me, and me her. All i kept within me for 3 years, i gave it all up forever.
Now i trudge on in this world, alone with my backpack seeking the next destination from a crossroad. But i din know i was that bad.. but now i know :) Bye blog, thanks for the memories.
I miss u..
Really i do.....
Countdown to Eruption
I can feel my steam vent rattling already, i'm so so stressed up. My brain's all cramped and scrambled. I have tuition later and i really don't want to go. But i have no choice, if i don't get into poly next year, my life is finish.
Screw You World
I hate to be of the modern human species. We are the greatess predator in this planet, cannibalism, disease, disasters, wars, it is part of nature, its nature's way of reducing and balancing a population of a species. We've looked for for millions of ways to counter all that to ensure our survival, even if it means sacrificing the entire population of another species. Dodo was extinct because of us, tigers and other wildlife are next.
I'm ashame to be a human. If i have a wish, i wish humans are all dead. Yes, that means you, you, you and you. We have too much intelligence in us for our own good, even if a few of us are left, we will bound to be the dominant species again. Come on! Send an asteroid this way and wipe us out for good, flood the world with all the tsunamis you can muster.
I'm pretty aware of my current condition, i'm abit short circuit. I'm cooped up at home all day long for almost a year already, and yes i can feel i'm going crazy. I've lost interest even in my computer games. I'm too stressed out by not knowing what will happen tomorrow and what might happen in the future. My older sister is in australia, my parents are divorcing, my great grandmother gets lost evey few days due to being senile, i'm broke, i'm trying to figure out why my science sucks. I'm also trying very hard to maintain sanity, i'm trying very very hard to interprete what i'm saying and to do it logically. But its falling to bits and pieces. I'm even so desperate that sometimes i start talking to my rabbit and hamster without really realising it till i snaped out of it and slap myself silly.
This is how i spend an average day. 11 to 12 pm wake up, shower, Spend my afternoon reading and surfing the net for articles to read. Lunch at 3 plus, then see what else there is to do, sometimes tuition, Dinner, 1 hr of TV, Shower, study if i feel like it but from next month on is daily revision of at least 5 hrs, blog blog blog, Bed at 2am.
How interesting........... esp when it has went on since after chinese new year 2005. I really wore my patience thin, i'm talking rubbish quite often than before, if i don't get into poly next year i will probably commit hari kiri or disembowelment, Slice myself from the abdomen down with a knife like what the japanese do to avoid shame and dishonour. But for now i'll try to pull myself together for my big exams.. i must remain sane, must be sane.
Turn Back Time?
No way, i love my primary school days! I never regretted being a st hildian.
Ok, so i was young and really innocent.. ok at least more innocent than i am now..
I remember how my orientation went, i was led by Mrs getrade Hoden, who later became my form teacher and was introduced to class 1/5. One sentence she said left a deep mark in me till today, "You children naughty ah, you will be sent down to the principle's office for canning!" If i can find her now, i will tell her.. what you said really came true!
She was nice old lady though, strict but fair. I even remembered my mid-year examinations, the topic for english comprehension was playground, primary school ones really different from sec schs.
So me, carrying my Jurassic park bag (ROAR!)... panda pencil box 2b pencils eraser, ruler and sharperner... taking exams. At that time the exam questions were printed on like old mouldy brown paper, like recycled toilet paper or something. Other than the common ABCD questions, I was given a picture of children playing and we have to describe the scene in 5 sentences with no spelling or grammar error. Stupid la... but at that time that was difficult.
And surprise surprise! I came in 1st for english. Hehe my first and only time getting full marks for a subject in a major exam. Which is also why i love reading and writing alot. I was given a bookmark and a goodie bag for getting top in english and 2nd in class. I lost to a stupid girl called tiffany.. she was horrigible.. square head, always plaiting her stupid hair, sulky and always like to complain to teacher this and that.. typical miss perfect. My weakness for maths showed up then, when i got only 83 for maths compared to my 95+ for the rest. Maths was to be the bane of my education!!
Funny eh, how our primary school teachers, esp those fat and aunty ones manage to teach us maths, english, art and P.E all within a day and all by themselves. They don't look too healthy to me to be teaching P.E.. play those stupid games hula hoops, beanbag crap, and later monkey and captain's ball when we were older. It was lame, but how we ever did as we were told comes as a wonder to me, a wonder weather we had brains of our own. I guess thats why we were called naive.
Ever remembered your first recess? I do, i had it with my buddy, he was a primary 5 boy but at that time he look so much older than me i was pretty scared of the seniors. My pocket money was a pathetic 80cents a day?! I even rememberd what i ate. I bought a char siew bao that cost me 50cents and a 30cents soft drink from the unhygenic drink stall with very disgusting coloured plastic cups. So no $$$ left after recess ended. Oh and i had to use my handkachief to wipe my mouth after use, at that time tissue was not in common use yet. Then bell rang after 30mins and we all assembled at the empty space in the canteen. After some scolding and announcements we were ushered back to our classrooms by classes, depending on who is the quietest. Lame like anything now that i look back..
My grades were ok, anything below 80 is bad for me, standard was 90 plus to 100. I was a sweet little angle in primary 1, punished only for talking.. i was damn damn damn talkative. I can talk for a day non-stop and still feel that i haven't talk enough.
Thats about it la for primary 1, tomorrow pri 2! Hope you like old grandmother stories..
First Love
Hmm.. i cannot remember how it really felt like.. but i do remember how she looked like and what her name was.
I was primary 2 then, St Hilda's Primary, class 2/5. Morning session. I still remember where my class room was. Level 2, the block facing the st hilda's secondary school gate. I just love that view, every morning... a small thin fine mist will swirl around the the then secondary sch's fitness corner beside my school's eco garden. It was beautiful, especially with those fir like trees that bloom little red flowers every september that greeted us when we came back from our holidays. That will forever be etched in my memory, i was fortuanate to be able to get that same view back when i was in pri 6, my last year.
Anyway i remember my class were divided into 5 groups, with the centre group being the largest and divided into 3 rows facing the then blackboard. I was at back right row the group nearest to the back door (brown in colour then.) Corner groups were like a capital letter F. Cos there will be like 2, 2 rows facing the board and 4 tables facing the windows. That was my group formation. I was sitting as the second last seat facing the window and zhi chao was 2 seats away from me, which was why group project i always ended up with him.. lol
And there she was, sitting right in front of me facing the board, so i always remember her side view. We're in the same group! Oh her name was joyclyn queck. We always call her quack quack.. lol poor thing.. She is really very pretty, big eyes, rosy cheeks, wet lips?! dunno why but her lips were like shiny. Pony tail hair.. i have a obsession with girls tying pony tail hair then! Crazy lor.
Imagine i every day in school have to stare at her cos she sitting right in front of me! It was like awwww...... so pretty....
But the idea to tell her that was crazy. I'm primary 2 remember? So other than day dreaming about her i can't do anything else. Oh! I held her hand before!!! Cos primary school we must hold hands with our partners wherever we go. So happen quite a few times i held her small hands.. well actually my hands were also small then.. nm. Thats why i'm so jealous when zhi chao get to partner her sometimes.. he so rough with girls, always telling her off for walking so slow.. stupid boy
Even recess, i would hang my snoopy blue water bottle around my neck while she brought her red and transparent water bottle to recess.. So wherever we go we were a pair of sweet cherries. So romantic right? Lol.. nothing is more innocent than childhood love.
Sadly i lost contact with her after primary 2. She went to 3/10 and me to 3/8...
ok ok. i got to sleep this has got me all hype up, i love my primary school days! I'll post my entire primary school momentos tomorrow.. yawnz..
我尊重我的 选择
Penny can really write songs... all so real
不敢问 却一直想问
你心里藏着什么人
不敢猜 却一直想猜
如回去 有没有可能
我不够完整
你给的从来不够完整
你一个语气都无法确认
这种缺乏是什么象征
不开灯 我不要开灯
我身边容不下别的人
不锁门 我不要锁门
你回来是一种信任
我那么的认真
去思考你对我的认真
或许是多么伤害人
而结论始终是疑问
我爱疯了
我疯到自己痛也不晓得
放弃了保护自己的责任
放弃了抵抗脆弱的天份
我不管了
我不管这伤口能不能愈合
选择了你也许是错的人
选择包容了你的不安分
我尊重我的 选择...
Do You Believe In Fate
Well, yes and no. I'm going to tackle this issue from a neutral point of view, no involvement of z or whatsoever. Prepare to read me nag.
Firstly, we got to understand, what is fate?
In accordance to my notebook dictionary- "The course of someone's life, or the outcome of a particular situation of someone or something, seen as beyond their control."
History of Fate- The word 'Fate' was derived from a Greek and Roman mythology of 'The Fates'. The Fates were 3 goddesses who preside over the life and birth of humans. Each person's destiny was thought of as a thread, spun, measured and cut by the three fates, Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos. So historically and scientifically, the belief is actually a myth.
But thousands of years after the fall of the Greek and Roman empires, the legacy of such myths lives on, even till modern day today. Such is the power that many today continue to believe that their destiny and future lies in the hands of fate. Should we or should we not believe in it?
Its all up to you. Take for example, we all know religions, gods.. etc, are all myths and legends that ancient folks created to give themselves a sense of security, E.g good harvest, wealth, peace, war just to name a few. And temples and religious places to house their gods, such places are sanctuary to those who need to seek a mind of peace and calm, a hope to those who need spiritual support and encouragement. Religion still thrive in our modern society as a pillar of hope, strength and moral values to those who believe in it. So you see, its not so much as wheather or not its real or make believed. But rather to enable us to seek solace in the spiritual and supernatural when nothing we do in this physical world can help.
The same applies to the belief in fate, we want to know something has been pre-planned for us, we want to believe that when we meet onto bumps in our life its not the end of the world, but a signal to tell us that this is not the 'path' intended for us.
Fate can also be a useful belief in a relationship, take for example when boy meets girl (vice versa) they probably will feel that they are meant for each other or fate has brought them together. Such belief is 'healthy' in a relationship as not only will you love each other more (since you believe that fate has paired two of you up), but also be more commited and responsible in your love life.
However too much of it may turn fate into a dangerous emotional and metal creature. Fate is afterall a not too distant relative of Fatal, just as life is with death. Ever heard of 'fatal attraction' or 'crime of passion'? There is probably no need for me to elaborate.
At the same time fate can also be of use to nurse a broken heart. Just be optimistic, mr or miss right is just right at the corner, its all up to fate.
Author's Note- Personally i do sometimes belive in fate, especially if i have to nurse my own broken heart every now and then.. lol. But my advice is you'll never know when a myth or a belief might work its wonders, so.. believe your beliefs. All you lovebirds and lovesicks out there, please don't think you are crazy believing in fate. If love isn't crazy it isn't love.. you hang on to that.
I love you Z!
